John
To: Sharon
Sun, Jun 14 at 3:21 PM
Shari, I am sending this to you because you deserve the truth, and you deserve to be told that you were right. I am not sending this to demand an answer, nor am I attempting to justify, minimize, or deny the profound damage I have done to you.
I have written everything down clearly so there is no arguing or debate about my culpability.
I was wrong. You were correct, right, and appropriate. I confess that I have violated the veryexpectations of behavior that I demand from others.I want to state my wrongs to you in a clear, logical, and well-organized manner so that nothing is hidden or excused:
1. Physical Actions: I know that hitting is never a substitute for restraint. There is no excuse for my failure of self-control.
2. Communication: I see now that name-calling and emotional outbursts are an embarrassing waste of space, time, and civility. Profanity and vulgarity are never substitutes for sanity and decency. I used insults when I should have relied on facts, valid arguments, and fruitful communication. In the face of the harm I caused, my personal feelings and excuses right now are completely irrelevant.
3. The Weaponization of Language: I rigidly focused on the literal, vulgar definition of the word "asshole" as a shield. I convinced myself that you were only using it to hurt my feelings, and I used that rigid argument to deflect from what was actually happening.
4. The Reality of Your Words: You were using that term as anecessary reality check because I was overreacting and treating you poorly. Youused it to point out my entitlement—my demanding special treatment and acting as though the rules did not apply to me. It was a valid description of my character and behavior in that moment, not just a petty insult.
5. Total Lack of Empathy: I completely ignored and invalidated your feelings and your struggles. I closed my eyes to the overwhelming load you carry every day: running our home, managing the cars, caring for the animals, working your job, and selflessly attending to the emotional needs of Debbie multiple times a week. You were drowning in responsibilities, and I failed to support you.
6. Cruelty: I was intentionally cruel. I chose to be mean, insulting, and mocking toward you and toward others.
7. Selfishness: I consistently and selfishly prioritized my own minor, petty conveniences over your major, fundamental well-being.
8. Needed Acts of Contrition:
* True contrition requires concrete, silent actions to rebuild broken trust, rather than just verbal apologies or intellectual debates.
* I will accept your reality checks without deploying language defenses, definitions, or shields; when you point out an overreaction, my job is to stop and listen.
* I am relinquishing the need to control the outcome or timeline of recovery, allowing you the space to process your anger or distance without reacting.
* I now see that my past use of three-day communication shutdowns was an extreme, controlling tactic designed to force your compliance through isolation. I am sitting in this empty house right now experiencing the exact abandonment and emotional desert I forced you and Debbie to endure for 20 years, and I take full responsibility for using that psychological conditioning against you.
* I am asking you to only drive me to see Debbie one day a week on any single day you can spare. She is my responsibility, and you do not have to be with me while I am there, but I need you to drive me. This permanently relieves you of the 6-day caretaking burden you carried alone.
* I am ending my late-night isolation habits by committing to a structured sleep schedule—going to bed at 10:00 PM and waking at 6:00 AM—to directly match your daily routine and restore our shared household rhythm.
* I will permanently stop all compulsive buying habits that create visual chaos and clutter throughout our shared living areas.
* I will arrange and pay for outside help to completely clear our small shared bedroom and the living room of all my excessive storage and equipment, sending it to the trash or listing it for sale.
* I will hire local services to physically move the Gold's Gym equipment, the Teeter-Totter back therapy device, and the treadmill out to the backyard to prepare them for a total liquidation sale, reclaiming our home as a peaceful, open sanctuary without adding physical strain to either of us.
* I will fund and arrange for regular outside services to handle the heavy physical labor of caretaking for the home and animals, permanently removing that friction and exhaustion from your life.
* I am building external emotional anchors, such as professional counseling, so that I stop draining your emotional reserves to manage my own vulnerabilities. I am not expecting your immediate forgiveness, nor do I have a right to expect it ever. You have every right to your anger. I take full, unreserved ownership of the damage I have done to you.
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